We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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