Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
