She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
These tits shall not be calmed
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