census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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