toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
me + whiskey = a bad person
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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