im drinking this country out of the recession.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
