There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
