I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
