She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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