id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
