i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
