last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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