I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
