i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
