dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
