Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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