yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
