Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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