i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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