In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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