I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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