mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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