She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
