Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
