I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
