I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize