i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
