I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize