Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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