it was like eating out sand paper
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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