Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
