her vagine was all disorganized.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
