some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
