Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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