after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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