"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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