As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
