i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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