I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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