thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
