Whod you bang
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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