Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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