Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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