i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize