Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
