My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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