hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
