____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
