That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
