Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
