Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
