Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
