when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
