I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
