9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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