sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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