OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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