I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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