the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
