Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I am spending my child support on dildos
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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