I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
