I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
